Depression

Today the news has been full of the untimely death of Robin Williams.  A man remembered for his ability to make us laugh, even while pulling at our heartstrings.  He was an illustration of humor at its best.  He was viewed as gregarious, outgoing, friendly and, yes, funny.  Yesterday, the word filtered out that he had taken his own life after years of battling depression. 

The thought of depression and this funny, endearing man just didn't seem right.

I, like most of the world, for a long time thought that depression was a state of mind and all you had to do was think positive.  Oh, if only that were the case.

Then I got a taste of the wormy apple myself.

Like most people my life has been filled with ups and downs.  Depression isn't caused by miserable lives.  Some wonderful lives are filled with people that hurt. My daughter's wreck reduced us all to a bundle of terrified nerves but I wasn't depressed.  My bout with cancer scared the living daylights out of me, but I wasn't depressed.  (Although my medical team kept telling me that I shouldn't hide it.  It was normal.)  I truly just didn't feel depression or deep anxiety.

I sailed along, totally unaware of what depression does to you.

Then, my doctor, who is constantly trying to keep me in optimum health, decided that I really needed to take medication for my gradually increasing cholesterol.  Reluctantly, I agreed. 

I began to find that things were getting harder.  Decisions that I had made easily in weeks past concerning the care of Hubby's mother, became difficult and stressful. Just cooking and caring for my house became a never-ending chore.  I worried about everything.  My sleep was broken by periods of lying in bed and chasing useless worries.  I laughed less and cried more.  I began avoiding people and looking for excuses to stay home.  I struggled to get through every day.  Nothing was fun.

We went on an annual trip with dear friends to enjoy the mountains.  I was amazed by the sheer effort it took to be part of the group.  I don't think I was a complete wet blanket, but I was working as hard as I could at being interested in my surroundings, laughing at the teasing, responding to conversation, and showing, even moderate, enthusiasm.  It was exhausting.....and depressing.

We returned home to find workmen had arrived to do some much needed siding repair.  I knew most of the workers and in times before I would have spent a portion of their work time standing in the yard "shooting the breeze" with them...and generally slowing them down.  I realized, with horror, that now I was literally running from room to room, praying they wouldn't see me through the windows and want to talk to me.  All I could think about was being in my bed with the curtains pulled tight. 

"Whoa!! This is so not me!"  I remember the thought just struck me, "You have something seriously wrong with you!"  I went to the computer and looked up my symptoms and there it was clearly spelled out....depression.  But how?  Why? What had changed?

Then I remembered the little innocuous pill that millions take safely for cholesterol.  I searched for side-affects and there it was under the heading of Very Rare but Extremely Serious. Depression.  I was experiencing a reaction to the chemical changes happening in my body.  Exactly like a rash from an allergic reaction or dizziness, nausea, constipation, diarrhea, etc. that is listed on your information sheets with your medications.  It was physical....not something I could control.

I quit taking the pill.  In three days I was out playing with the grandchildren in the yard and enjoying life again.  Life was good again.

For me it was simple.  For many others it is a disease not a side-affect.  It is medically treatable, but like so many diseases, some respond better to treatment than others.  My heart goes out to those who suffer this invisible illness.  I will never forget the nightmare of being trapped in a world without color or hope. I discovered you can't make up your mind and just be happy.  I understand, what before I only vaguely sensed.  This is a physical disease not a lack of determination.  I hope I have learned compassion and empathy for those who struggle to get through every day---regardless of how flawlessly they are acting the part of a healthy person--they are hurting and ill.

 
                                                    * * * * * * *

(About my medication.  Statins are one of the wonder drugs of our era.  99.9% of the people take them with wonderful results and no side affects.  I was one of the very rare ones to react to this particular statin.  I responded positively, with no ill effects, to a simple change in medication.  Please!  Be aware of what medications you take and alert for potential problems.  Then talk to your doctor.)