The Big C

Nine years ago this month I was diagnosed with breast cancer. No lump, no signs, just a suspicious group of white dots on my annual mammogram. It seemed so unreal that everyone was so serious about what looked like dust specks on the film. I went from "you see what?" to choosing whether to have a breast saving lumpectomy or a mastectomy in only minutes. I think the hardest part was everyone pushing you for quick answers when you don't even grasp what the question is. It was all so rushed. Suddenly I was being bombarded with information and questions in what seemed like a foreign language. I needed translations for the simplest statements. Words like carcinoma, stages, FSH testing, chemotherapy, lymphectomy, lumpectomy, mastectomy, radiation, all bounced around in my head, while I tried to make sense of all the meanings. While the whole time a voice inside was screaming I HAVE CANCER!!

The thing is that in a personal crisis, the world doesn't stop turning. You still have to make decisions about the day to day things, too. In just over a month my husband and I were leaving on a long awaited dream vacation. A cruise to Alaska. Did we just cancel it and lose our money or was it unreasonable to even think of our dreams at a time like this? Thank goodness for an understanding doctor who listened to our confusion and distress. I wanted to take this cruise. I was facing the possibility that this might be the last big trip we would take. I wanted to have this time with my husband. My doctor encouraged me to not give up our plans, but to have the surgery and go on. He assured me that in a month I would feel well enough to go and enjoy the trip. Most people thought we both were crazy, but it worked. We had a wonderful trip and plan on doing it again!

That was my motto through all the chemo and radiation. I tried not to let it keep me from doing the fun things. It wasn't a fun time but there were some wonderful moments. I took chemo every three weeks for four treatments. They really made me sick for about four days, then I would feel a little better each day. About the time for the next treatment I would feel really good. There were three couples that were very supportive and close. Just before the next treatment we would all go out to dinner and celebrate my "last supper" before being sick again. They were wonderful dinners, full of laughter and fun.

I thought that losing my hair would be terrible. However, it really was just another little bump in a time of huge hills. My beautician of 30 years helped me select several inexpensive wigs and then styled them to more closely resemble my haircut. I wore them everywhere and loved them. There are some real advantages to wigs. The synthetic ones, like mine, don't need styling, just a little fluffing each morning. Also, they don't get messy in wind, rain and convertibles! I could pop my wig on and be ready to go in about one minute. My daughter kept teasing me that I wouldn't ever go back to real hair since this was so easy.

Having cancer changed me. It made me look at life differently. It made me appreciate those who love me. It made me realize that people did care. It made me laugh more and delight in every day. It's made me realize that there are no guarantees. Tomorrow may not come, so don't waste today. The hardest thing has been that although I have been cancer free for nine years, I am not cured. It could come back at any time. I once met a lady who had been cancer free for 25 years then had a recurrence. It has made me realize that I can't relax and become lazy, I have to LIVE every day!